truTV: Not Reality. Actuality.

The Sven-Gundersons said they love America and had never thought of leaving, but talk of a strong Canadian dollar made them curious about their northern neighbor. Gunther, the lazy-eyed uncle and titular head of the clan, had a passport he never used. Hating to waste anything, he convinced the family to take an overnight trip, but once across the border, they realized their mistake. "We're just not Canada people," said Helga Ann, the pasty-faced mother of four. Before high-tailing it back to River Falls, John Junior needed to use the facilities, so they stopped at a Canadian Mickey D's and purchased a small order of fries with American currency. Said JJ, "Canadian French fries aren't nearly as good as the French fries we got back home. Not nearly."

Marcia Jackson couldn't believe the size of the new Sam's Club that went in at the mall out by the old paint factory, but it was nothing compared to the stack of toilet paper on display in aisle eight. "I've never seen that much t.p. in one place in my whole life. I had to get a separate cart just to carry the Super-Mega-Jumbo pack," she said. At 108 rolls, the "SMJ" weighs 23 pounds and contains one million sheets (two million if you count each ply). Jackson said she wasn't planning to buy that much at one time, but she has a tool shed she's not using and at these prices, she couldn't afford not to. "I got a husband and nine kids. That's a lot of tushies to wipe, you know? Buying this much may seem crazy, but buying a roll at a time is crazier, and running out's downright insane."

Despite paying his way through college working as an underwear model and being voted most handsome in his class every year between kindergarten and college, Franklin Bova, 34, says he's shy around women. "I get flummoxed around the ladies, so much so I end up using words like 'flummoxed.' Who says that anymore? God, I can be such an idiot." Despite his natural disinclination to engage women in social settings, Frank says he saw his opportunity last Friday during happy hour at the T.G.McGurks off Route 49. "This cute girl, maybe 25, 26, was trying to get the bartender's attention," he said, "but I had position, so I bought her a Cosmo. She was like, 'Thanks.' It was awesome." Bova says he hopes to use his new-found confidence to actually speak to the woman if he ever runs into her again.

Laurie Gelson meant to transfer her creams to smaller containers before boarding a flight to Dallas last week, but when her child had "wicked bad" hiccups the night before, Laurie barely had time to pack at all. "It was crazy leaving my house this morning. I'm lucky I made it out at all." Laurie realized the gravity of her situation when a surly security agent pulled aside the couple ahead of her, frisking them in a way that would make a convict blush. "The woman who checked my bags told me to throw out my Louis Váláncè Glycol Hypoallergenic Apricot Facial Scrub and I thought, 'you couldn't buy an ounce of this with your whole salary.'" After appearing to throw the cream out, kicking the trash can for a well-timed sound effect, Laurie flaunted FTA regulations and slipped the cream back in her LeSportsac. "I did it once and I'd do it again. They can arrest me before I'll let my sister see me with worry lines."

Sandy haired Claude Roncas gazed out at the ocean at the close of his shift thinking about the day he had and the day ahead. "I've been working my lats and delts pretty hard lately, but my abs could still use some tweaking. Those are your core muscles and you don't want 'em to let you down in a pinch." After swimming five miles and riding his bike a quick fifteen, Claude came back down to the beach for one more set of crunches before ordering a protein smoothie with immunity boost and three roasted free range skinless chickens. "When those rips get ya, you want to know you have the strength to fight back. If doing one more set of crunches is what it takes to be a great lifeguard, I'm gonna do 'em."