Four Lessons in Love Just in Time for Valentine’s Day

Sometimes Size Doesn’t Matter

A Thai man, 50, required emergency penile removal after unintentionally giving himself genital cancer with repeated olive oil injections to his penis. Olive oil injections are used in Thailand along with bees wax, silicone and paraffin wax, to increase penis size, but the back-alley plastic surgery procedures often lead to infections and in this case, doctors say, cancer.

Spokeswoman for the Police General Hospital in Bangkok Sirikul Jiraranaikhajorn told reporters “This is the biggest genital surgery we have ever done as we found cancer.” Please note that Jiraranaikhajorn’s words “biggest genital surgery” refer to the operation, not to the size of the genitals. She added, “A woman will love a man not because of the size.” The man, whose identity is not being released, could not be reached for comment.

Be a Patient Lover

Ashley Hunter, impatient lover

Ashley Hunter, 33, was arrested on February 8, 2013, when he became violent during a ménage a trois. According to the Smoking Gun, Hunter asked fellow participant Orlando DeWitt, 37, to switch positions, and stabbed him in the arm when he refused the request. The two Fargo, N.D., men, who originally met in prison, were hanging out at a Motel 6 drinking beer with several women, when DeWitt and one of the women began to engage in sexual intercourse. According to the police report Hunter, who had been observing the couple from the other room, joined in, and the woman began to perform oral sex on him. Pushing his luck, Hunter asked DeWitt to switch places him. DeWitt refused, calling Hunter a “F***ing retard.”

In response Hunter pulled out a 12-inch-long butcher’s knife and used it to chase DeWitt and the woman into the bathroom. Hunter stabbed at the door with the knife and yelled threats while the couple threw on their clothes to the sounds of splintering wood. When DeWitt and the woman made a run for the door of the motel room, Hunter allegedly stabbed DeWitt in the arm. The couple called 911 once they got outside. Hunter was charged with aggravated felony assault.

You Can’t Hurry Love

Valerie Nile, tried to hurry love.

Valerie Nile, 44, of Knox County Maine was arrested on January 22, 2013, after allegedly brandishing knives at the couple from two trailers over with whom she had been drinking. Police were called to the residence of Edward Sabatino, 56, who reported the threat. Sabatino’s girlfriend had been sleeping and said that she had not observed any threatening behavior from Nile. According to the report, once police disarmed and calmed down the allegedly intoxicated Nile, she explained that she, Sabatino and his girlfriend “were going to have a threesome,” which failed to occur. So Nile, who must’ve been looking forward to it, expressed her disappointment by getting three knives from the kitchen and yelling at Sabatino. Nile was charged with criminal threatening and terrorizing and was held on $250 cash bail.

Avoid Desperate, Needy Displays

George Batusek, public display of neediness

George Batusek, 51, of Cape Coral, Florida, was arrested on February 4, 2009, after concerned shoppers at a local supermarket called police to report that Batusek was in the parking lot having a threesome in his 1998 Lincoln Town Car— with two blow up dolls. It’s unclear exactly what he was doing, though the report describes “aggressively” kissing, as well as some masturbation and “simulated sexual activity.” When confronted by police, Batusek claimed that he had been on his way to Target to “get some clothes for his dolls.” He was charged with trespassing and disturbing the peace.

Slideshow: The Fetish Files

Slideshow: Plastic Surgery Disasters