A local council of representatives, a khap panchayat as they are called in India, in Haryana’s Jind district believe that they have discovered the cause of the increased rapes in their area: A hormonal imbalance caused by, yes, junk food. Although in India the junk food isn’t burgers and fries, it’s chowmein. According to Jitender Chhatar, the khap panchayat leader, “Chowmein leads to hormonal imbalance evoking an urge to indulge in such acts.” Now that the council has isolated the root of all evil, it is not known if they have plans to ban chowmein, but they have issued directives to eat healthy foods, “You also know the impact of chowmein, which is a spicy food, on our body. Hence, our elders also advised to consume light and nutritious food.” The reason for the increase in rapes is unknown, but theories abound, including: the rapes are a conspiracy against the state; a lack of intellectual growth on the part of the people; poor supervision of sons; and the fact that girls marry at 18 rather than at 16. In early October 2012, one member of the Congress, Dharamvir Goyat, even stated that 90% of the rapes were actually consensual. He didn’t specify which study he was quoting, but hey, problem solved! Right?