The Week In Conspiracies: Dancing With The Scars
Was Ronald Reagan An Alien Trying to Save the Earth?
Could Ronald Reagan, the 40th president of the United States, have been an illegal alien? During the centennial celebrations of Reagan's birthdate, wonks and bloggers alike got to argue over his legacy all over again. Was he a fiscal conservative or an undercover liberal? Was he in control of his final years in office? More importantly, was he an extraterrestrial?
Reagan was way into aliens. As this Salon piece notes, he publicly spoke of an alien threat several times throughout his presidency, far more than the sole instance when he publicly acknowledged the existence of AIDS. Of course, he was only musing over the sort of unity that would coalesce among nations if we shared an entirely otherworldly foe. Or was he?
I say he was an alien, and I use as evidence the same facts brought to light in the Salon piece. With tens of thousands dying of AIDS, how could an American president completely ignore this very present threat to humankind, while continuing to harp on an "imagined" threat from another world? That is, unless he knew that otherworldly threat wasn't so imaginary.
But if he was one of those aliens, why warn us of their invasion? Perhaps Reagan was sent here to do some recon for the coming assault. He was charged with the mission of gaining influence over the inhabitants, so he went to Hollywood, then to Washington. Unfortunately for the alien menace, things went awry.
They didn't count on Reagan taking a shine to the people he was here to help exterminate. He found himself in the predicament shared by so many undercover agents, both terrestrial and extra. He developed sympathy for his target, and he tried to make amends for his duplicity by helping us any way he could. "The bugs are coming," he seemed to say, "And they are far from folksy."
Some might argue that the popularity of movies like E.T. encouraged Reagan to invoke the existence of aliens in his speeches. But it's possible he wanted to offset the dangerous myth of the friendly, glow-fingered alien that E.T. was spreading. Reagan knew the aliens who were on their way, and he knew they meant murder business.
It's been over two decades since Reagan left office, and unless I missed a newspaper, there hasn't been a single alien attack. The alien hordes knew we'd been tipped off and they had to regroup and re-strategize, hopefully for another century or two. Earth still lives and we owe it all to that rubber-skin-suited space roach, Ronald "Glaraxius" Reagan.