The Week In Conspiracies: Dancing With The Scars
Dark Overlord of the Dance
If there is one fact of life we should all remember, it's this: The Man exists, and there's no escaping from him. Not even our favorite Cheers has-beens on network dance competitions, as evidenced this week when Kirstie Alley experienced another "accident" on the set of Dancing With The Stars - Alley's shoe fell off mid-dance, just one week after she was dropped by her partner. Coincidence? Utter lack of grace, coordination, and basic motor skills? Alley knows the truth, as she told UsMagazine.com.
"I think it's a conspiracy!" Alley said. "I think the other girls cut my shoe!" Alley, despite what your better judgment may tell you, was actually drop dead serious. She's right - something is, if you will, afoot. All the strange things that have happened (Kirstie falling down, Kirstie's shoe flying off, Kirstie appearing on television at all) add up to one fact: she keeps messing up but she's still on the show, long after she logically should have been booted.
Believe it or not, someone is desperately trying to keep Kirstie Alley on television.
Who would be so cruel? Al Qaeda? North Korea? Are the Cubans still a thing? It's too hard to imagine any shadow organization, no matter how evil, coming to a quorum on this kind of assault on our senses. We can only assume that in this case, the gunman worked alone; Kirstie Alley sabotaged herself.
Alley has plenty to lose on Dancing: this is the first time in years that she's been on a show that didn't have the word "Fat" in the title, and she's going to do what it takes to stay there. She knew any meddling against her opponents would arouse suspicion against her immediately, so screw up all on her own and make the viewing public shower her with warm, welcoming pity. The problem is she's going to have to up the ante as the weeks progress. We foresee a black eye next week, blood pouring from her nose and several snake bites the following week. At some point she'll have to run off stage engulfed in flames.
We're playing right into her hands (one of which will be gored by dogs in next week's episode.) She knows the American viewing public wants blood, and Alley is willing to shed it all for the ultimate victory.